well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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