my phone needs a breathalizer
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
if only i could text you this smell
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
