Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
