so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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