Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
