woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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