I could make wine with my vomit
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
