i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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