He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize