I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
