Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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