I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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