took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
