i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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