If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
