I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
