She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
