Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize