even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
