someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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