i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
