and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
