if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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