He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
