saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
