I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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