u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
