I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
