phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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