Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
