I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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