I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Boobs are out for the taking
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
