Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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