Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
