i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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