I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
either way he was missing a nipple.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Can I color on your dick again?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Randomize
