just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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