I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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