So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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