Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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