wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
