I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
