You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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