forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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