i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
