I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
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