I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
