I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
