So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
