Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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