She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
