are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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