Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
please come you make the beer taste better
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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