my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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