The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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