I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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