I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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