i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
